operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
