Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
