Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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