i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
