I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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