I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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