Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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