I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
