mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
