After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
