oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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