I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
