My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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