Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
