we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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