if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Text me some of your sweat
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
