god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
