I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
