My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Found the puke drawer
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
