My hand turned me down
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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