We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
