I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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