Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
