Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
