Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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