Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
