i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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