you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
