So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
