Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
