I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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