just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
