The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize