I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We got so high we made milksteak
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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