Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
