dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
