Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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