Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
