On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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