These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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