Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
