dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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