Your face is a jimmy john
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
