its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
