I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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