If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
