Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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