you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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