the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
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How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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