I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
