FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
